yep. It’s Saturday night again. Hubby is at pool league. “On Saturday?” you say? yes. On Saturday. And so it begins. I hate these nights. It all sounds very reasonable. I go to yoga classes on the other nights when he is at pool. This leaves me one night at home, alone, to do whatever my little heart desires. Because there are no yoga classes on Saturday night. However, I get stuck in my head and then waste hours wandering about the various social networks… Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Google+, Yummly, Pinterest, Tumblr, Soundcloud, Spotify, Reverbnation, Word Press, You Tube. I am so very bored with all of this, but it’s the only way I can stay in touch with friends. My friends are scattered far and wide so it’s not like I can meet them at the local bar/coffeeshop/library to chat about how the week or month has been. We live in such a strange world. We are so connected that we have disconnected. I’m not even sure what to make of it all. I feel lost in the world and insignificant. I can’t seem to make heads nor tails of the world anymore. I am breathless and full of wonder yet depressed, angry and hateful at the same time. I feel as if I will burst. I don’t know how to separate any of this or how to let it out. I find people that make me want to punch them in the face for the ugly things that roll out of their mouths and I find others that take my breath away with the beauty in their souls. Some days, it is just EXHAUSTING. The emotional rollercoaster leaves my ears humming and my thoughts louder than the people who are trying to talk to me. Do I care too much? Perhaps it’s not caring, perhaps it’s just feeling too much. Is there a volume control? I know other people who believe they don’t feel enough. I think they are wrong. I think there is just sooooo much overload that they have gone numb. I don’t know what to tell my friends, family or even my Hubby. How do I tell them I am getting numb from everything and I need to find a way to get out of my head and just disconnect for a bit? That their crazy drama is making it worse and I don’t really want you to try to top my story with one of your own; that it’s not about who did this/that to so&so for x/y/z. It’s more like a pressure cooker and the only reason I am saying ANYTHING at all is that if I don’t, I will drive myself mad. Is this what happens to adrenaline junkies that end up getting themselves killed in some mad stunt? A little more of something that breaks thru the numbness. Next time, just a little more. Then maybe 2 more… but you still owe me 4 and I can’t get that out of my head. And the days roll into weeks, roll into days, then years and… Holy shit. I have been at my current job since 2008, making it 8 years since I was working in a store. I have been friends with several people since I switched into my “new” position and some I have been friends with for much, much longer. Wow. I will have to ponder about this for awhile. It occurs to me that I’ve known Jeff for about 15 years now. And Peter & Gary for 8. And Jason for 7. And I don’t know which year I met Kathy or Bette but I’ve known one much longer than the other. But I have to say that I am just finally beginning to dump some of that traumatic stress that I acquired during that last year “in the stores.” I can actually discuss it without setting things on fire from the heated anger of my aura. LOL. I jest… almost. I still look angry, but I don’t look like a nuclear blast is about to burst from my eye sockets anymore. So I guess I have a cleaning project to begin. Tonight I am going to finish cleaning the dishes in the sink. And tomorrow, I will begin by cleaning the laundry. And then I will begin the task of making a usable space for my treadmill again. Since I have started yoga, I have been feeling better and I think it’s time to add another layer to start being more supportive to my spine and hips. I think walking would be a good start since it’s the damn hip joint and S.-I. that is giving me the most trouble. As I strengthen those thru walking, I can keep them flexible with yoga. I am going to need to add something in a couple months to help with the upper back and arm strength, but I don’t think I’m ready for that just yet. I’m really hoping the cleaning and the additional exercise will help me find a way to break thru the cocoon that swaddles me on Saturday nights when I don’t have Hubby here to keep me grounded in the now. I feel like my brain just floats away into what if’s/maybes/might have beens/could have beens/if x/y/z happens then a/b/c will be the first thing I need to do….. Yes. This is my train of thoughts tonight and yes, I type as fast as I think when this happens and yes, both my typing and my thoughts are faster than I can verbalize any of it and no if you ask, I am not going to answer any questions that you might ask me about this and no, I don’t want to make a regular “date” so I can avoid these night because in all actuality, I probably need more of them so I can get my head on straight and finally accomplish what I need to do instead of sitting and wasting all of this time in front of the computer. Ah. There it is. Full-circle. And I am here. Sitting in front of the computer on one of the afore-mentioned sites, knowing that this will be scrutinized by some and ignored by others and wondering if my Hubby will EVER read this because quite frankly, I don’t know that he will. And sometimes I just want him to know that this is the crazy shit that runs thru my head when he’s not around. And this is why I get so upset when he is gone. Because I think I might be a little too lonely and a little too disconnected and I really have no idea how to reconnect with the world and I don’t know how to do it without wanting to hide under a rock or in a closet or up a tree where only the special people will find me. I want to stand outside in the grass with my bare toes looking at the moon and feeling it’s magical light spill thru the trees and replenish my soul. I want to hear water splashing nearby as my eyes adjust to the moonlight. I want to listen to the frogs and crickets. I want to drink in the magic in the summer nights. The breeze in my hair. Strong arms around me. But it’s February in Western NY state. Way too cold for any of that. So I guess it’s warm fuzzy night pants and fleece tops until the weather warms up enough. And cleaning. I think I am going to try to do this every Saturday night. Maybe I can keep the crazies at bay until the weather gets warm enough for me to run in circles outside under the moon. I’m really not crazy. There is just too much in my head and I need an outlet. And no. My thought run faster than my mouth ever will and yes, sometimes my mouth tries to keep up but then it trips on itself and everything gets tangled and I stand there stuck on trying to say a word and I just have to stop. Take a deep breath. Try again. And then if I am lucky, I can continue with what I am saying but most people take that as a sign that I am done speaking so I never really get to finish saying anything when I start to stutter and trip over my words. But that is neither really here nor there so have a lovely evening. I have to see if I can get this to slow down enough to sleep tonight.

Shine On!

Angi